Are you a dad applying for a Child Arrangement Order for Residence (Custody)? If so, you may want to read the common mistakes outlined below from dads who have been in a similar position to you.
1. Waiting too long
Waiting too long before making your application can often cause irreparable damage to the relationship between you and the children and be fatal to your prospects of success.
A delay in issuing proceedings can enable the other parent to advance a “status quo” argument, which is that the children have been with her and so should remain with her when going forward.
2. Being critical of the other parent
Remember that your children love both mum and dad. Resist the temptation to denigrate the other parent by being critical of them while the children are present. The children do not wish to hear this and will almost always repeat what you have said to the other parent creating further difficulties in your already strained relationship.
3. Not paying maintenance
Make sure that you pay your maintenance in full and in time. A failure to do this will result in the other parent letting the children know and also informing the Court once you are in proceedings. It is not unusual for the other parent to question how you can afford to pay court fees or be involved in proceeding when there are issues relating to you paying child maintenance. Do not place yourself in that position.
4. Returning the children late when having contact with them
If you are having contact with the children make sure that you return them to the other parent on time. Returning the children late can be used as an excuse to terminate contact going forward. Do not place yourself in that situation.
The children will also be aware of when they should be going home and could be anxious, worrying about how the mother will react when you get back.
5. Getting angry
Stay calm. Do not allow your frustrations with your former partner to spill out into an argument, especially in front of the children or when you know they are in earshot. The children will often be aware of arguments between you even if they are over the phone or by text message.
You need the children to know that they have a place of safety with you and that you are able to properly support and promote on-going relations with the other parent. Do not allow that good situation to deteriorate.
6. Allowing the opponent to dictate the pace
If you are still together as a couple do not allow your partner to leave taking the children with her. If she wishes to leave the relationship then that is up to her but, provided you have parental responsibility, there is no automatic right permitting her to take the children with her. Stand firm and insist that the children should remain with you.
You should think about the practical arrangements and negotiate arrangements for generous contact. Stay one step ahead.
7. Not listening to advice
Not listening to your lawyer or paying the bill could be fatal to your application. This could leave you without legal representation when you need it the most. Have a good relationship with your Solicitor and talk things through in the event of any difficulties.
Your lawyer will be able to advise you in your very best interests – take the advice and act on it.
8. Arguing with the Judge or other professionals
You must never under any circumstances argue with the Judge, the Children’s Guardian or the CAFCASS Officer. This is really the road to nowhere. You need the professionals working on your case to be your friend. Make sure that they can see things from your perspective. If in doubt launch a charm offensive.
9. Lashing out
You must not, under any circumstances, subject your former partner to any form of physical, emotional or verbal abuse. Violence can sometimes be a bar to contact and will almost certainly prove fatal to your application for residence/custody. Do not allow the other parent to portray you as anything other than a devoted parent who has put the children first.
10. Disobeying Court Orders
Please resist the temptation to disobey court orders. As the case progresses orders may be made in the interim which you are not happy with. You must, however, comply with the terms and make sure they are complied with. The Judge will not be happy if you show disrespect or contempt for the order by either obeying some, but not all of it, or failing to comply altogether. This will not assist your case and will, in fact, be to the detriment of it.
It is very easy to make the mistakes outlined above when in the middle of children proceedings. You must, however, always keep your eye on the bigger picture. If you want your children to live with you then you must demonstrate to the Court that this is a safe and suitable option for them and, fundamentally, that it is in their best interests.
The days when the children were automatically with their mother are now long gone. Therefore, you should have confidence in asserting your rights with the children, especially in the lead up to separation. The sooner you act, the stronger your case will be.
Further Information
Melanie Bridgen is a specialist family law solicitor at Nelsons. If you need advice on children issues, residence or shared residence or any other family law matter, please contact Melanie on 0800 024 1976 or email [email protected] and she will be happy to discuss your circumstances in more detail and give you information about the services that Nelsons’ family law solicitors can provide.